Posts tagged: using a porta-john or port-a-potty

Places I’ve had to pee

By , January 13, 2010 8:02 pm

Number 2 of this List

If you shy away from potty-talk, be forewarned. Maybe you were blessed to always have a shiny porcelain seat nearby when you had to go, but I haven’t always been so lucky.  I have too many awkward stories to share, so I’ll try to keep this to my top five.

5.  Port-a-pee- I have to immediately pay my respect to the port-a-potty, the porta-john, the lean green-pee keeper, and those are the G-rated nicknames.  From the 130 degree port-a-potty sauna in Baghdad to my baby-wipe porta-john baths during ROTC training exercises, the pee-keeper had many uses.  Fond memories, me and that john.

4. Command-directed Urinalysis-  Sounds harmless, right?  On the contrary, it was never fun having someone stand right over the top of me watching as I tried to hover over a toilet seat, Army shorts around my ankles, attempting to pee into a tiny plastic cup.  Whose idea was it to require the drug test include a raised seat for females, and then, to add to the humiliation, require carrying that cup-o-pee above my head down a hallway of onlookers to the turn-in point?  Not fun.

3.  Using the landscape-  The Army allowed me to perfect peeing behind trees, small shrubs, and sand dunes. I always tried to be discreet, but at some point gave up being embarrassed about someone seeing my butt cheeks.  When you gotta go, you gotta go.  I recently found out there is an actual device, I think it’s called a “Female Funnel,” that allows women to pee standing up.  Where was that 10 years ago??

2.  The Iraqi Toilet- I used this toilet during my first deployment.  Luckily, one of our soldiers hand made stalls for privacy, but he couldn’t find a solution for the flies.  This five-gallon oil can was the worst toilet I’ve used to date and I will spare you the gritty details.  Let’s just say, the remains were burnt every morning and that smell will stick with me forever.

1.  The Creeping Pee Puddle.  So there I was, on the side of the Kuwaiti highway trying to find a place to pee. I had been holding it for hours during our convoy… no, F.O.R.E.V.E.R., and it was the first safe stop in the middle of nowhere.  Without vegetation to squat behind and getting a little desperate, the missile launcher in front of my vehicle looked like a possibility. So I, uhhh, grabbed some hand holds, lodged my feet on a cross bar and… sweet relief.  Hard to describe balancing five feet off of the ground on the back of a PATRIOT missile launcher to pee, but I bet it’s a little like peeing off the end of a fire truck ladder.  I thought I was pretty innovative until I noticed the creeping puddle that spread from under my feet heading directly for a group of my soldiers and, of course, my crusty platoon sergeant.  I’m pretty sure they all knew what it was seeping under their boots, but to this day, not a single one of them has said a word.

So last bit of advice, peeing in weird places makes for funny stories, but please…  watch out for inclines.

Our Convoy

Share

Panorama Theme by Themocracy

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.