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By Alyssa, June 30, 2010 8:02 pm

I lost it Monday afternoon.  Lost it.  Fell back on my bed, rubbed my eyes and temples to ease a ferocious headache, and tried to convince myself that I was a good mom as both of my boys cried on timeout in their rooms.

Earlier that day my almost-two year old cried and screamed his way, out of the library, from the park playground to the car, and from the grocery checkout to the parking lot to our house.  Why?  He wanted and I didn’t want.  When he didn’t get what he wanted, his entire body crumpled limp to the floor, pavement, sidewalk forcing me to drag or football carry him to our next destination.

To add to the mayhem, my 4 and 1/2 year old decided moments before each of his brother’s tantrums to ask me every possible question he’d saved during our past two weeks (or maybe his whole life) apart.  ”Why is my car seat on this part of the seat, Mom?” “When do I turn 5?” “Why are we going here?” “Why?” “Where?” “When?”

I love my kids.  I love my 24-hour job staying at home with them.  I would be lying if I said that I love every single minute though.  I find when it gets really tough, I have to take one day at a time.  One hour sometimes.  Ask anyone about this concept on day one of a military deployment.  One day at a time.  Motherhood difficulties aren’t exactly on the same scale as deployment difficulties but the required patience applies to both.

Lying on my bed Monday afternoon I reminded myself that it would take a few days for the kids to calm from their “grandparent mania”.  I also reminded myself that it would take me a few days to adjust from my full-time Army routine.  I took a couple deep breaths, gathered them from their rooms, and apologized that mom lost her patience.  As they giggled a few minutes later sharing snacks, I sighed and thought, one day at a time.

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By Alyssa, May 16, 2010 7:43 am

Dishwasher to empty.  Laundry to fold.  Floor to sweep.  Dishes to wash.  Toilets to scrub.  Laundry to wash.

This list runs like a teleprompter in my head.  Being at home with my boys means, well… we’re home and thus the house gets dirtier faster.  In between wrangling my toddlers, I seem to always be cleaning.  I’m in a bible study with a group of other toddler moms and we were discussing how easy it is to become depressed by the situation.  Usually these tasks are just done and our family doesn’t notice that someone is doing them.  Being applauded and appreciated every minute of the day isn’t a common theme associated with staying home with the kids.

I listened to my friends encourage one another while addressing the dull and dreary of stay-at-home mom life and as the conversation lulled, I piped up, “I know that there are times when I am frustrated by the monotony of chores, but I don’t think I’ve ever been at a point where I thought I wasn’t supposed to be doing what I’m doing now.”

I continued, bouncing sweet Zeke on my knee, “I think once you have to rely on someone else to raise your kids completely, to run your household, you are always thankful for the time that you have with them.”

Pausing, I tried to word my thoughts.  How could I explain to these women, without coming off as self-righteous, what it was like to completely miss Bubba’s 18 month to two year stage?  When I deployed, he was 17-months-old, a little younger than Zeke’s age now.  I relied on my little sister and a nanny to raise him during the day and my husband to handle everything in between.

I tried to explain, “I’m transitioning Zeke to one nap right now and you’d think I’d be all over it since Bubba was transitioned at this age.  But I didn’t do that job, my little sister, the one in college without kids?  She did it.  I’ve been calling her asking her exactly what she did so that I can repeat it with Zeke.  I never want to have to have someone explain to me the stages of my child again and that’s why I don’t think I will ever regret helping them through their stages now.”

I stopped as my friends continued to talk and discuss.  It wasn’t until I was driving home that afternoon, I realized why I’d always be thankful with my current job.  It was a hard reality to call my sister for advice or completely depend on others to raise my kids, but lots of moms call for advice and employ caretakers.  I think the kicker for me was that when I deployed there was that chance that I would never come back.  When I left I knew that not returning was a possibility.

As I write this post, my dishes need washed and my laundry needs folded, but I know that I came home safe three years ago to be just the woman strong enough to do those chores.  They may not earn me any medals, but being here for my family, getting that chance to provide for them, that’s joy enough for me.

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By Alyssa, March 22, 2010 7:28 am

After 16 days in South Korea for my National Guard Annual Training, I’m home.  I have a lot to write about and even more to think about from the trip, but jet lag is pounding my thoughts to mush.

I missed my boys more than I could have imagined.  They’d grown so much in that short amount of time that I had to spend several minutes hugging each of them before their foreign bodies became familiar again. Zeke, my 18-month-old, spent the first fifteen minutes with me scowling.  Over the last day or two, he’s slowly warming up to the idea that I’m back and that he doesn’t have to be mad at me for being gone. Bubba elaborated nonstop for the 45 minute drive home on the things I’d missed the last two weeks.  At one point he paused and grabbed my hand murmuring, “I sure like you, Mom.”  I think I’ll remember that moment forever.

Soldiering had its highlights, but I found the same idiotic active duty practices I left behind two years ago ring true today.  Egos and locker room talk brought out a sarcastic side of me I hate to admit exists.  I didn’t realize how much I missed being around women until I came home to a houseful of my girlfriends.  Their welcome home party brought a much needed respite from my time outnumbered thirty males to one.  Out of all of those males, Hubby still remains the only man I want to report to.  I blushed when he picked me up from my unit remembering that this handsome linebacker was mine.

If anything, the trip confirmed for me that I don’t want to quit my day job anytime soon.  I missed cooking breakfast and making lunches, sword fights and wrestling, and even winked at my front load washers, as that dreaded chore didn’t seem so harsh compared to other things I’d done while away.  Wife and Mom have become two titles I yearn to epitomize.  Absence from those roles rejuvenated my passion for them as my Army now consists of one handsome man and two adorable little boys.  It’s good to be home.

Me, Hubby, and Moose Drool.

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By Alyssa, November 23, 2009 3:51 pm

I have a confession.  I had a few jealous moments last week.  I keep in touch with a lot of my old Army buddies through Facebook and found myself looking through a few of their photo albums.  Some are assigned to sweet overseas positions in Italy and Germany, while others are teaching as Westpoint or ROTC instructors.  I find it humorous now, not at the moment, that right after spending a day consumed with “What if I’d stayed in?” or “Wouldn’t it be great to travel Europe?”, my entire family was hit with the worst stomach flu in our history.  From Wednesday night to Saturday morning starting with poor Zeke, we took our turns… well, I’m not going to get into the details of it. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

It was about the time that Bubba and I were sprawled out on my bed too weak to watch movies or even sleep that a little perspective SMACKED me in the forehead.  Thank goodness I’m at home!  I couldn’t imagine working and being stuck with that nasty bug.  Not only would I be worried about our health, but I’d have daycare to shuffle, work requirements to get around, and everything else that gets backlogged when you’re sick.  I think the Hollywood “working mom” image, where some fabulously coordinated woman easily juggles wife, mom, work, daycare, groceries, laundry, dishes, is a load of crap!

Thank goodness, Hubby and I are in a position where I can stay home taking care of our boys.  I know a lot of single moms in the Army and dual military couples that have it tough.  They drop their kids off at daycare at 5:30am so they can make it to morning physical fitness and then don’t see them again until 5:30pm. During that 12 hours apart mom and dad are working their tails off, often times bringing work home with them, and then, in those precious few hours before bedtime, they cram quality time, chores, dinner, etc.  I have immense gratitude for these brave men and women.  They have limited choices and do the best they can for their families.

My current phase is staying home with my kiddos.  I don’t know how long this phase will last, but I am so thankful for every minute of it.  I looked at those pictures and lost that thankfulness when I started to think I would never be able to do things like that.  Popular culture tells me as a stay-at-home-mom I will never fulfill my true potential or accomplish my dreams.  Today I stopped believing that.  I may not get to travel as much as I want to now, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll never get to travel.  I would love to be a high school teacher or college professor someday.  Staying home with my boys isn’t keeping me from that.  I’m just postponing it for a bit.  My boys are worth it.

I hate to say thank goodness for that awful stomach flu, but it was perfectly timed.  Nothing like being literally knocked to your knees to understand that there is a purpose in what you are doing each day.  I believe in what I’m doing and know too much about being a working mom to think that I’m missing out.