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By Alyssa, October 23, 2010 12:26 am

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

If I had a choice between being the deployed soldier or the stay behind spouse, I’d choose the soldier and not because I am a soldier.  Staying behind is so much harder.  You can argue with me about dodging bullets and enduring extreme heat, but I’m telling you, being the stay behind stinks.

Not only are you worrying about your spouse dodging bullets and enduring the extreme heat, but you’re playing the single parent, organizing the budget for two peeps on either sides of the world, assuming all the household duties of a team, and trying to hold down your own job.  I’ve alluded to these difficulties when I wrote about my civilian spouse…

Then I had to play the part.  Haus took a last minute trip to Nevada for his job and I’ve been playing the stay behind all week.

Did I mention, I stink at playing the stay behind?  Day one was awful.  Kids decided not to nap.  I had to beg one of my friends to loan me their sweet 12-year-old as a sitter so I could teach my Bradley class.  Ugh. Second day was O.K. except for trying to start the truck and realizing the kiddos were playing with the lights… yep, dead battery.  Found out who my nice neighbors were after pleading for jumper cables and a running car.  At some point in the week, Zeke decided he not only despised resting his eyes during the day, but wouldn’t do it until he’d screamed his head off for 55 minutes on average.  I think I was on the fourth day of this screaming fit when I called and complained a little to Haus.

Guess it’s payback for all those deployments, right? he joked.

Ouch.  Double ouch.  Could I really complain about five whole days alone with my kids and house and dog when he’d done everything for months at a time?  How about all of my field time prior to the deployments or even my recent National Guard drill requirements?  Eeekkk.  I laughed half-heartedly and shut my mouth after his comment.

I tell you all of this for two reasons.  One, Haus is probably going to have to go back to Nevada in the near future so please pray for my sanity and my children.  Poor little dudes will have to put up with me and no daddy back-up.

Two, military spouses are the most selfless people I know.  Incredible.  Inspiring.  I could go on and on about the men and women that support their military heroes with little to no recognition.  I tell you all of that because I have to say thank you.  You know who you are and if you are reading this and you’ve ever played the stay behind for a service member, I just want to say thank you.  You’re my hero.  I whine about five days and you’ve done years.  Please, tell me your secrets to survival!

Gotta go… Haus just got home.  Hurrah!!

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By Alyssa, May 16, 2010 7:43 am

Dishwasher to empty.  Laundry to fold.  Floor to sweep.  Dishes to wash.  Toilets to scrub.  Laundry to wash.

This list runs like a teleprompter in my head.  Being at home with my boys means, well… we’re home and thus the house gets dirtier faster.  In between wrangling my toddlers, I seem to always be cleaning.  I’m in a bible study with a group of other toddler moms and we were discussing how easy it is to become depressed by the situation.  Usually these tasks are just done and our family doesn’t notice that someone is doing them.  Being applauded and appreciated every minute of the day isn’t a common theme associated with staying home with the kids.

I listened to my friends encourage one another while addressing the dull and dreary of stay-at-home mom life and as the conversation lulled, I piped up, “I know that there are times when I am frustrated by the monotony of chores, but I don’t think I’ve ever been at a point where I thought I wasn’t supposed to be doing what I’m doing now.”

I continued, bouncing sweet Zeke on my knee, “I think once you have to rely on someone else to raise your kids completely, to run your household, you are always thankful for the time that you have with them.”

Pausing, I tried to word my thoughts.  How could I explain to these women, without coming off as self-righteous, what it was like to completely miss Bubba’s 18 month to two year stage?  When I deployed, he was 17-months-old, a little younger than Zeke’s age now.  I relied on my little sister and a nanny to raise him during the day and my husband to handle everything in between.

I tried to explain, “I’m transitioning Zeke to one nap right now and you’d think I’d be all over it since Bubba was transitioned at this age.  But I didn’t do that job, my little sister, the one in college without kids?  She did it.  I’ve been calling her asking her exactly what she did so that I can repeat it with Zeke.  I never want to have to have someone explain to me the stages of my child again and that’s why I don’t think I will ever regret helping them through their stages now.”

I stopped as my friends continued to talk and discuss.  It wasn’t until I was driving home that afternoon, I realized why I’d always be thankful with my current job.  It was a hard reality to call my sister for advice or completely depend on others to raise my kids, but lots of moms call for advice and employ caretakers.  I think the kicker for me was that when I deployed there was that chance that I would never come back.  When I left I knew that not returning was a possibility.

As I write this post, my dishes need washed and my laundry needs folded, but I know that I came home safe three years ago to be just the woman strong enough to do those chores.  They may not earn me any medals, but being here for my family, getting that chance to provide for them, that’s joy enough for me.

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By Alyssa, October 30, 2009 3:51 pm

I’ve been cooped up at home for three days now.  The first day was fabulous.  I watched the snow pour down and cancelled all of our appointments outside of the house.  The second day, still a treat, we played forts and super heroes as our back door became barracaded by a drift.  Now it’s day three.  The house is clean, I’ve made enough food for ten families, and the boys are sick with cabin fever.

I remember a day when I would have given anything for three days practically by myself in the house. Deployed in the Army, I was never alone.  EVER.  My first deployment going to shower meant walking over to the homemade crate and 5 gallon water jug.  This “bathroom” was convienently located in the center of our desert camp, a high traffic area. I waited days for that precious hour when the wind would die down as the shower curtain (a leftover canvas tent flap) seemed to have a mind of its own.

Our Shower Stalls

My second deployment was a little better.  The showers were in a row of ten inside of a trailer.  My only complaint?  Every time I showered someone would come in behind me with their mini-speakers, ipod, and ridiculous techno music.  Still can’t look at Biolage shampoo without hearing a umph, umph, umph, in the background.

Eating breakfast, sleeping, doing laundry, peeing, can’t think of a single thing I did while deployed that kept me by myself.  There was always someone in the room or in the next stall.  I remember coming home the first time so excited to see Hubby.  I dropped my bags in the living room, and surveyed our little pad.  He asked me later if I wanted to go to the store with him to grab some stuff for dinner.  ”No, thanks,” I sighed and hugged him.  As soon as he pulled out of the driveway, I sat down, loosened my boots, and listened. Silence.  I rested there for almost an hour and realized it was the first time in months that I had really been alone.  It was glorious.

Now I’m alone, sort of, as the boys are slumbering up in their rooms.  I think instead of rushing around trying to find things to do, I’ll soak up these few minutes to myself.  Before long the toddlers will swarm and sledding is on the agenda.  Maybe tomorrow, just for old times, I’ll pump some techno as I shower and ask the neighbors if they’d mind if we started using a communal port-a-john.  Well, maybe not.  I guess I just need to remember those old times in order to realize my current luxuries, including three-day snow days.

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By Alyssa, October 19, 2009 4:31 pm

Thankfully, I’ve never had to spend Christmas deployed.  One of the best Easter services I attended was under Army green canvas in the “Middle of Nowhere” Iraq, but I’ve always been with my family during Christmas.  My Dad is spending another Christmas in Iraq this year.  He’s halfway through his second deployment spending his birthday, anniversary, Christmas, my mom’s birthday, and Easter without his family.  Don’t tell him (the web system over there doesn’t give him access to this site), but yesterday I packed a sweet Christmas box for him.  I also helped pack boxes for a few other soldiers.

Packing Boxes

Our church started a “Christmas Packages for the Troops” ministry a few years ago with the goal to give soldiers encouragement while overseas.  It started in someone’s living room with a few boxes and now they send almost two thousand boxes.  I was very impressed. Before the packing started, there was ceremony including the Pledge of Allegiance (I relied on the 4th grader standing next to me for some of the words… it had been awhile!), National Anthem, and my favorite rendition of the Army song so far (they played all the service songs but had it right playing the best one first).  The donated items for the boxes were incredible.  New books, crock shoes, food drink mixes, golf balls, you name it.  They had new bungee cords and electric toothbrushes too.  I know I’m geeking out about this stuff but you don’t understand what I would have given for an electric toothbrush and bungee cords while deployed!  At the end of packing a box, they inserted notes from kids, a bandana with dozens of signatures, and, at the end, green and red tissue paper and candy canes so it would be like opening a real present.

My Dad's Box

As I was packing, I’ll admit I was a little jealous.  During my first deployment, I was so far away from anything that there was an entire month I couldn’t speak to my family or receive mail.  I was trading envelopes for batteries and sugar packets for crackers.  Right now there are soldiers in similar situations.  They are on their fourth consecutive deployment and their family probably sent tons of stuff for deployment one and two, but by now, they aren’t receiving as much love from home.  For this reason, I love the ministry our church has undertaken.  When all of the boxes were packed yesterday, the entire group gathered around them and prayed over each box.  Prayers for safety, prayers for family members, prayers for love during the Christmas season.

Interested in packing boxes for a deployed Soldier?  I can tell you that it’s pretty easy to send something to one person and in turn be helping 5 to 10 soldiers.  Everyone in a unit loves when a package arrives, because soldiers always share.  I guess it’s being stuck in the same awful place that creates a giving heart.  Find one person you can send a box to and do it today!  ”What should I pack?” you might ask.  I formed an addiction to Green Tea Raspberry Crystal Light during my last deployment.  Here’s a list of things I would have loved:  Drink Mixes (as there is no running water and plain ole’ bottled water gets old fast), Old magazines, paperback books, SOCKS!! (black or white), beef jerky, trail mix or protein bars (just know that if you send chocolate it will be a melted hunk when it gets there), gum, EAR PLUGS (because you are NEVER alone), bungee cords, electric toothbrushes, chapstick (in a ziploc just in case it leaks), hand sanitizer, baby wipes….

Sending a package in the next week or two will ensure the box gets there by Christmas since the military mail centers are inundated with mail right before Christmas.  Don’t bother with priority shipping as once a package is transferred to the military mail, nothing’s really a priority (sorry, I’ve just known too many Army mail handlers).  Make a party out of packing boxes and invite a few friends over.  Each friend can bring a different item and, BAM, you’ve just helped someone that doesn’t get to see their sweet toddler in footed-jammies on Christmas morning.

If you’re in the Denver area, head to Cherry Hills Community Church (www.chcc.org).  We are packing more boxes this Sunday, October 25, starting at 1 p.m.  I love Christmas morning and can’t wait for that great feeling this Christmas knowing the same time I’m opening gifts, someone in the desert is opening my box.