The beginning is here.
I know I sounded like a super whiner in my last edition of this horrifically drawn out story of me. Give me a little break, though. Every minute of my life my junior year from 5 a.m. to way too late was packed with physical challenges, loads of schoolwork, and R.A. duties. Instead of trying to reword all of the drama I recorded in my journal that year, I decided I would give you a little taste of it. Prepare yourself as I wrote this never intending anyone but myself to read it again:
10/17/99, Idaho on Fall Break: Haus, before I got on the plane Friday, told me that someday he thought he would marry me. He said it, not to scare me or forewarn me that he would be proposing, but rather to tell me exactly how he was feeling about me… I’m scared, but don’t want him to slip away.
10/21/99, College dorm room: I’ve come to realize that genuine people will talk to me like I have civilian clothes on when I’m in uniform and others react just the opposite… I will have people salute me (extrememly annoying on campus when you’ve had 50 people do this in about an hour, each person thinking they’ve been creative), call me “Killer”, “Army Chic”, “G.I. Jane”, ask how many people I’ve killed, how many push-ups I can do, or assume I know everything about guns and tanks… It’s amazing how many false assumptions are hooked to this outfit.
10/22/99, College dorm room: The one thing you don’t want in the Army is to stand out. It’s a hard thing for girls as we automatically stand out. No matter what we do we are the minority… This is hard. As a girl in ROTC, I know that I have to push myself. I get mad at myself for not running as fast as the guys even though it isn’t naturally very possible. I get frustrated by little mistakes because I don’t want to set myself lower. I feel like I’m not being clear… I struggle so much with perfectionism and being in the Army as a female doesn’t help. I hold myself at a higher standard then they ever could. I’m so hard on myself.
10/23/99, College dorm room: Haus helped ease my stress. He’s pretty much consistently giving my situation to me straight out. I need his calm to cancel out my crazy.
11/12/99, During American Lit class: I haven’t had a break in I don’t know how long. I feel rushed, depressed, horrible… Having ten less hours in the day than I need, always having things to do, never having free time EVER, always feeling rushed, waiting for that next surge of energy… ROTC is killing me. They say they put school first, but that’s a lie. They don’t care what your work load is, it will make you stronger right? Being a Resident Assistant is horrible. I can’t tell if my girls think I’m awful or if they never see me or what. School is rough… of those three things I feel like if I concentrate on one, the other two fall. I feel like everyone around me is doing fine, excelling, and I’m alone.
11/22/99, College dorm lounge: It’s still so hard to have my best friend gone. Didn’t she deserve to go, be with her boyfriend after a two year long-distance thing? Can’t imagine how miserable that was. But, she’s the only best friend I’ve ever had. I tell her everything. She’s my accountability, my moral support, my sister, and I am still brokenhearted.
12/23/99, Idaho on Christmas break: Well, one semester down, sort of. The reason I’m not completely done is because I got the flu during finals week. Had a cough that led to a fever that led to the night from HELL! My suite mates decided to have a party next to my room and I warned them to shut-up but was really groggy as they kind of laughed at me. By midnight, I had 104 degree fever, stumbled out to rant rave and yell GET OUT, then fell asleep till 1 a.m. Got sick, pulled the bathroom door over my foot and ended up pulling 3/4 of my toenail off. Went to bed so tired, bleeding, got sick again. RD ended up helping me get dressed and got checked out for a possible appendicitis. Embarrassing as it was just the flu. Found out later after missing a few finals that one of my professors announced to the entire class that I was in surgery. So that was finals week.
1/31/00, College dorm room: Happy New Year! Contrary to many predictions, nothing happened at midnight this New Year’s Eve… Haus is amazing. Brought me long stemmed roses for no reason… thought about what it would be like if I waited to be together until I was out of the Army. Then he left for the weekend and couldn’t stand a day without him.
To be continued…
Special thanks to Linda Lawrence Hunt, for requiring me to document my junior year in a journal.
© 2011, FROM MILITARY TO MOM. All rights reserved.